The Hemlock Cup
VOL. l'/2 QTS. Allegheny Prep. ABOUT APRIL 1, 1962
Photo Credit: Japan Air Lines
Ah, So, Dr. Muller. Ah, So. . .
College Liberated
By Party Coup
SPECIAL TO THE HEM-
LOCK CUP, April 7 — Allegheny
College was today seized in a well
planned coup by the USAF's
"Fighting 735th," the local branch
of the People's Party of America.
The coup was planned, according to
regretful college officials, during a
recent trip several of the cadets
made over spring vacation to Flor-
ida. The trip was originally intend-
ed to be a training exercise for the
cadets, not in governmental over-
throw, but in elementary Air Sci-
ence.
The Professor of Air Science at
Allegheny was not available for
comment; however, one of his aides,
a former "instructor" of Air Science,
had this to say: "It couldn't have
been pulled off without 'Black
Jack's aid. The Soviet government
was invaluable in this exercise. We
also found the classroom indoctri-
nation of cadets quite useful in the
liberation, although a few did not
respond as hoped."
One student, who requested that
his name be withheld, gave the stu-
dent body's opinion: "We want the
hell out of this mess." The official
ROTC feeling that Allegheny can
be run in the same manner as Red
China seems to have run into oppo-
sition.
(Continued on Page 2)
"I made it through 'Help
Week !' " exclaimed Stanley
Kowalski, recent Sigma Ep-
silon Chi initiate, as he emerged
from his first open house as a
very active member of SEX.
Ringworm accompanies
Each Haircut at . . .
Roda's Barber Shop
Contest Judge Names
Vocal Group Criteria
In response to the great contro-
versy over the selection of
MGWW's Vocal Groups of the
Year, the Hemlock Cup has inter-
viewed Mrs. Sadie Swamp, one of
this year's judges.
"There's more to determining the
winners than meets the ear," de-
clared Mrs. Swamp. "Tradition and
sentiment, not the difficulty of the
selection and the quality of its pre-
sentation, are the major criteria."
Mrs. Swamp eked as an example
the Fairhaired Forty, who won the
Best Male Vocal Group Award for
1962. She stated that it is tradi-
tional for this group to win. "Be-
sides," said Mrs. Swamp, "they
were up against unusual difficulties
thjs year; they were not permitted
to sing their famous 'Rum Song.'
They've been using it in competi-
tion for so many years, you know,
that all they have to do is start it
off—the audience finishes it. Well,
this year they had to use a new
song and so naturally they didn't
sound quite as good as usual. But
they practiced for two days, and if
a group works that hard, the judges
have to overlook flat notes and bad
timing."
When asked about the selection
of the Liars as Female Vocal
Group of the Year, Mrs. Swamp
confided that the choice had been
easy. "I just called my granddaugh-
ter and asked her which group was
her favorite."
Sauce Stirred by
Hemlock Reporter
As many of our readers already
know, a new group has been formed
on campus: SAUCE. These ini-
tials stand for Student Activity for
Unified Cultural Experiment. In
order to dispell any rumors con-
cerning reported organizational dif-
ficulties within the group, this re-
porter interviewed its leader,- Miss
Porgy An Betz.
Miss Betz announced the belief
of her group that there was a def-
inite need on Allegheny's campus
for steps to be taken in the area of
cultural and racial intercourse. The
only reaction to this remark on the
part of the reporter was that this
racial intercourse doesn't hold a
straw to sexual. At this point, Miss
Betz summoned the aid of some of
her fellow workers.
When asked why Miss Betz felt
that such a need existed, she re-
Celebrated Preacher
To Return April 22
The Religious Activities Commit-
tee has announced that it has se-
cured the Rev. R. T. Humbug of
Youngstown, Ohio, to deliver a
series of lectures during the annual
Religion vs. Life Week, to be held
this year from April 14 to April 22.
Rev. Humbug, affectionately
known as "Old Rex", serves a
Youngstown parish which includes
the Church of the Day Before Yes-
terday. He is also Regius Professor
of Old Testaments and Homilectics
at the Humbug Theological Semi-
nary, located in a much-frequented
district of Youngstown.
Dr. Debtor, Religious Activities
Cause Chairman who arranged for
Humbug's appearance here, is en-
tusiastic about the committee'6
choice. "We wanted to get a speak-
er who would put a lot of religion
into Religion vs. Life Week, and
we feel sure that Old Rex will be
able to do so." Debtor disclosed
that Rev. Humbug will speak on a
variety of topics, including an ad-
dress on "The Burning Issues of
Our Faith."
Debtor also hinted that Humbug,
along with a group of pastoral as-
sistants, might be available to pro-
vide music for the All-College
Dance to be held after classes April
20.
"And for my next miracle..."
PAS Promoted
To Fool Colonel
The Air Force announced last
week that Lt. Col. Johnny Hughes,
Professor of Air Science at Alle-
gheny, has been promoted to the
rank of Fool Colonel. The promo-
tion will not change the duties pres-
ently "performed" by the Colonel.
JOHN'S DAIRY
We now have the Breast in Bed
"Mansfield's"
Vitamin D enriched
plied, '"cause".
During the course of the inter-
view, Miss Betz made a plea for
student and faculty support of the
organization. When asked why she
felt a need for such support, her
only answer was, '"cause".
By this point in the interview,
Miss Betz's compatriots had ar-
rived on the scene and the reporter
was unceremoniously dumped into
the street. When the reporter asked
why the action was being taken,
the cohorts replied in unison,
'"cause".
If the reader may wonder why
this interview was undertaken and
the subsequent article was written,
his only answer can be: You
guessed it; he had used up all of
his unemployment checks.
Planning Triumph Revealed;
Carr Hall Plans Drawn Up
"We've found a place for Carr Hall!" a high-up memberof the administration wheezed to a Hemlock reporter. Speaking
from his office in Bentley attic, the administrator stressed theneed for secrecy—"It ain't going to be in the Tribune 'till to-
morra," he said.
But the Hemlock Cup has been
able to dig out the complete story
on the proposed Carr Hall of Sci-
ence and its future location—Bent-
ley Lawn.
The building will begin a few
feet from South Hall and extend
diagonally toward Ruter. "We
don't know just how far it will go
yet," the administrator commented.
"But we'll sure as hell leave a way
open for traffic to the Rustic
Bridge!"
Architects Change Carr
Although a tentative design for
the building has already been re-
leased, Carr Hall will not necessar-
ily be constructed in that manner.
In fact, the architectural firm of
Wilcox, Ruter, and Reis, already
famous for its contributions to cam-
pus buildings, has been called in to
work on the Carr case and indicates
that some changes will be made.
"For one thing," said Dr. Arter
(D.D.S., P.A.C.), the firm's chief
designer and an expert in such mat-
ters, "there's not a column on the
whole damn building." He indicated
that this matter would be rectified
by alternating two and four story
pillars around the building. "This
is to symbolize aesthetically the
growth of the student between the
time he enters college and when he
leaves, and also the difference in
tuition during this period," he
stated.
More Rhododendrons
However, in recognition of the
fact that there are those who don't
like modern buildings and those
who don't like columns, the build-
ing will be surrounded by a special
breed of 25-foot rhododendrons de-
veloped by the Chemistry Depart-
ment. "It kinda makes me feel like
Jack and the beanstalk," the head
of the department remarked in a
philosophical moment.
At the itop of the science building
there will be an observatory de-
signed by the Alumni Office in con-
junction with the Physics Depart-
ment. The observatory will be
equipped with special high-power
telescopes fixed on Bentley Tower,
the college insignia on Brooks Hall,
and the rustic bridge. They will be
designed for heavy use by alumni
and will operate when a coin is
dropped into the slot. By turning
a dial the alumnus can determine
whether his money will go into the
Annual Fund, the General Fund,
the Semi-Annual Fund, or the
Alumni Director's salary. "Any-
thin' for a buck!" said R. J.
"Scrooge" Droolman with an avari-
cious grin.
Excavation for Carr Hall will be-
gin as soon as the ground thaws to
permit it. The company doing the
work hopes to start by the first
week in July.
Hell Principal Enters
Philo-Franklin Debate
The Philo-Franklin Society is
pleased to announce that President
Pell Mell Etier will hold a final
dialogue with Dr. O. O. I'm Clean,
Principal of Tempters' College,
Hell. The debate will be held in the
Chapel this Thursday evening at
8:15 p.m. Lord D. Byron Bower,
President of the society this year,
recommends the debate highly. "It
should be a damn good show," he
said.
ALLEY GAY KNEE COLLITCH
g To Resort To
New Intelligence {?} Tests;
Of QW New Ma's :
Opna6<i 7t> Putik
C0L.UTCH
HKSH SCf
IT'S AU, IN FUN
Sheet
Sa&.
April Fool's editions at Allegheny date from this issue of 1936. They
have been published at irregular intervals ever since.
THE HEMLOCK CUP OF ALLEGHENY COLLEGE, About April 1, 1962
Hemlock Cup
Editor
Name Witheld
(For personal reasons— He's
wanted in seven states.)
Staff
(Taking the Fifth Amendment)
Circulation
Suppressed and Limited
Secretly entered at the Post Office aslow-class matter without the knowledfte
of Mrs. Jo.
Yul Brynner gets his haircuts
here.
Why don't you?
MIKE'S BARBER SHOP
Air Force Coup
(Continued from Page 1)
The faculty is quite happy about
the "liberation." They were in-
formed that their services were no
longer needed; however, while they
could not leave the area, they would
receive full pay until they were re-
leased. The students feel that the
administration is to blame for allow-
ing such freedom to the ROTC de-
partment in the face of such criti-
cism as was given by the students.
They have adopted an attitude of
"I told you so."
The Campus has been closed to
all outsiders as of today and no one
may enter or leave, with a few ex-
ceptions (alcoholics needing a drink,
for instance).
I
OUCH!"
Use Novocaine For Those Tender Moments
FREE
Birthday Suit to Every
Customer Purchasing $1.00
or more merchandise
(Birthday Suits of opposite sex
for an extra charge)
WELDON'S
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Gals, get your guys special
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SPECIAL SALE — Two left
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HALF PRICE—If bought with
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Park Shoe Store
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Madison Square Crowd Sees
Gator Five Win NIT Tourney
Allegheny's "Battling Gators"
swept past favored Ohio State to-
night, 30-28 to capture the coveted
National Invitational Tournament
trophy before 3,000 screaming Ohio
State fans at Madison Square Gar-
den.
State's seven foot super-star, Jer-
ry Lucas, was held to four points
by the vicious clawing of "Antlers"
Ravenscraft assisted by a step
ladder supplied by the Gator's
coach, Bob Bardark. Bardark, in-
cidently, had to be restrained to-
wards the end of the game as Alle-
gheny was in the process of blow-
ing a 20 point lead and the coach,
naturally concerned, tried to enter
the game, towel in hand, to help
his faltering basketeers.
Allegheny Gators were severely
hampered when James "the hatch-
et" Marcis fouled out in the fourth
quarter and had to be replaced by
Pinkinson who was suffering from
malnutrition, arising from Coach
Bardark's "fatherly" punishment of
depriving him of meals when Bar-
dark caught him sneaking out of his
hotel room after 10 o'clock curfew.
The Gator squad consisted of only
six players due to Allegheny's small
budget after the administration de-
cision to de-emphasize athletics.
Madison Square Garden, which
seats 14,000, was noticably empty
as only five students from Alle-
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gheny were present due to sorority
parties being scheduled the same
weekend at the western Pennsyl-
vania campus. The five students,
including your reporter, sat sullenly
throughout the game because it ap-
peared hopeless for their cause as
they had bet against the Gator
squad. Two shy girls, also from
Allegheny, shivered outside on
Eight Avenue, afraid to enter be-
cause they lacked dates.
Glen Becker was awarded the
"Best Amateur of the Year" trophy
for his sparkling play throughout
the tournament. The Gator cheer-
leaders shared honors with Coach
Joe Lapchick of the New York
Knicks as they were presented with
the "Hemlock Cup" which was
awarded by the New York Sports
writers for the most frustrating jobs
in sports.
ROHA'S
HALF HOUR LANDRY
We can remove ALL kinds of
stains . . . Lipstick, Fingerprints,
etc.
I dreamed I went to the
PEGGY ANN SHOP
in my MAIDENFORM
Bob's Home Radio
SALES & SERVICE
All Radios and Appliances
Fixed FREE OF CHARGE
(if no malfunctions or breakages
exist)
We still have our fine collection of
PORNOGRAPHIC LITERATURE
POSTANCE NEWS ROOM
New selection of slightly damaged suits and coats, just
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205 Chestnut St.
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